


You asexual motherfucker

by MindBoggling



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Consensual Sex, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Malcola, Porn With Plot, Safe Sane and Consensual, Sex, Smut, Smut smut glorious smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:08:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindBoggling/pseuds/MindBoggling
Summary: A Scientific Experiment concerning Malcola.
Relationships: Nicola Murray/Malcolm Tucker
Comments: 28
Kudos: 23





	1. Terri knows best

**Author's Note:**

> My first story seems to need more build up for the intended smut.
> 
> So please accept some filth I came up with where the exposition will hopefully lead to naughty times faster :)
> 
> This is the first draft so any feedback is very welcolme.
> 
> I don't own the original characters and just like exploring them a little more.

„I think he‘s asexual“ said Terri matter-of-factly as Elvis drove them back to DoSAC.

„Who‘s what?“ asked Nicola, rummaging in her bag for an aspirin and not paying attention. Her headache was getting worse and she needed to fix this before debriefing with Malcolm. Surely she hadn‘t done too bad on the radio this time?

„Malcolm‘s asexual. It all makes sense“ answered Terri. Nicola raised an eyebrow. Why did she even bother to take Terri anywhere? She was as useless as a.. as a.. damn, working with Malcolm obviously had deteriorated her brain to coming up only with sexual references. Malcolm Tucker asexual? Terri must have lost the last of her marbles. Nicola knew some younger people self identified as pansexual or genderfluid but she had not heard of someone being described as asexual before. Surely that could not be a thing? Sex was needed for reproduction and pleasure (if you were lucky). And that didn‘t even touch the fact that they were talking of the Westminster Wilderbeast here.

„Asexual? Malcolm? As in Malcolm Tucker? The glorious alpha male of British politics? Malcolm whose sexual references would need to bleeped out 50% of the time on the BBC, and that's on a good day? Malcolm whose actual middle name is Fucker? You're having me on Terri“.

„It‘s true Nicola. I did this test in Cosmo during your interview. It all adds up!“ Terri was clearly thrilled with her dicovery. „You know how there are no rumours about him? How he‘s never even flirting, and with him having so many opportunities.. all these young journalists and us senior civil servants.. oh, and you of course... you are still an attractive woman too Nicola“.

Nicola couldn‘t believe they were actually discussing this. „I imagine he just doesn‘t find the time. Apparently he doesn‘t eat or sleep either so why would he care about his libido?“

„Well, I think you are quite wrong. I have never seen Malcom as much as snogging someone at a Christmas do and you know even Glenn and Robyn...“

Dear god, yes, Nicola remembered and consquently felt a little sick. She repressed a sudden urge to slap Terri for bringing back those mental images.

"But I remember you telling me once he had been shagging that woman and that was the reason for his ridiculous vendetta against Simon Hewitt?“  
„Kelly Grogan, yes, but that was ages ago and for a very short period and, well apparently it‘s a spectrum Nicola and some people still have sex sometimes. Why don‘t you read the article yourself?“ She handed the magazine over to Nicola. „Please return it after reading cause I haven‘t finished the self care section“.

* * *

Returning to DoSAC they found the man himself half heartedly picking on Ollie and Glenn. „Malcolm! Why don‘t you meet me in my office in five“ said Nicola. „I just need a quick round to the lavatory“.

„Why of course your ladyship. Don't need to waste time mopping up your shite if you can do it yerself.“ Terri followed Malcolm to Nicola‘s office. „Please Malcolm, try to be a little more kind to poor Nicola. I know she was more distracted and confused on the radio than usual but it'S really not her fault.“

  
Malcolm had listened to the interview and actually Nicola hadn‘t done too badly. There was obviously a fucking metric ton of room for improvement for Little Miss Frumpy. But she hadn't fucked up for once and even managed to sound relaxed. Nice human touch too when she got mildly flirty with the interviewer. No sourpuss there.

He gave Terri a medium-scale inquisitive glare and she rushed to add „It‘s all from hormones. It‘s her menopause. Apparantely it rewires your brain like puberty.“

„Wouldn‘t that be a tad early“ asked Malcolm mildly irritated, wondering what the hell Terri‘s tiny brain had gotten into again. „Why? Nicola is, what, 50, 51 now, right?“ - „She‘s 45“ he hissed, damn his perfect memory.

„Well, whatever“ Terri never cared too much about minor details. „My cousin's started when she was 41 and she had the most terrible mood swings and to make things worse she ...oh“.

„What? Spit it out woman, I hate fucking cliffhangers!“

  
Terri stepped a little closer and whispered „She experienced a quite substantial rise in her sexual needs. Had to have 'it' multiple times a day I heard. Her husband lost several stone in a couple of months and well I don‘t like to spread rumours but.. ah, there‘s Nicola. Please don‘t mention I said anything, just treat her with a little patience... these must be trying times for her“.

Malcolm bowed at Nicola‘s entrance. „Ah, Queen Nicola, so good of you to find the time to grant us an audience“. - „Will you be needing me for this Minister?“ asked Terri. „I would love to help only it is already 6.30 pm...“.

No matter what they were arguing over, the one thing that Nicola and Malcolm could always agree on was no, Terri‘s help was not required.

Nicola dropped her coat on a chair. She would have liked to sit down behind her desk, but she couldn‘t while Malcolm was still standing. So instead she leant on her desk and sighed. „What is it Malcolm?“

Malcolm scanned Nicola‘s entire body slowly. She had felt quite confident in this dress but wasn‘t so sure now.

„Nicola! I noticed the interview went remarkably smooth interview today. Now I see how you did that.... I know I didn‘t brief you not to dress like a tart, seeing this was radio... that didn‘t mean to give that poor tosser a boner by showing that much cleavage“.

„You‘re impossible Malcolm. Were you raised by nuns? This is a perfectly normal summer dress“.

Malcolm dipped his eyes to her breasts as her nipples suddenly pressed against the thin fabric. „It leaves little to the imagination Nicky... and I would know... because I have a very dirty mind“ Malcolm said in a low and suggestive voice.

„Well you can hardly hold me responsible for that Malcolm. Now can we please get on with it? What the fuck did I do wrong this time?“

„Oh absolutely nothing. You were doing dandy. The poor sucker didn't ask a single decent question... he was fucking wanton... obviously imagining screwing you right on the table... Uhhh. I need to develop a whole new media strategy for you, darling.“ he smirked.

„Very funny, Malcolm. Now if that is all, would you kindly fuck off?“

Malcolm bowed again. „With utmost pleasure Nic‘la Queen of Cocks“ .


	2. Desk research

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time ever both Malcolm and Nicola find themselves actually following up some of Terri's advice.

Malcolm was idly googling menopause symptoms while waiting for Tom to pick up the phone. Hell, this was totally inconclusive... how on earth did women put up with that crap... yes, he might have noticed an increase in Nicola‘s anxiety levels and her difficulty concentrating… yes, maybe there had been sudden mood swings and more headaches… he had secretly feared this was a side effect to his almost daily bollockings... no, he was absolutely certain she had not gained weight or that her gorgeous breasts had become less full… only noticing on a fucking professional level… damn! most women seemed to experience a serious loss of libido during menopause for fuck‘s sake... not an increase dammit Terri! trust her to get things fucked up… what a fucking hard blow to his potential target group...

While Malcolm was talking to Tom about tomorrow‘s cocktail reception for some party benefactors a tiny (and ususally very timid) part of his brain suggested to maybe treat Nicola just a tad less hostile.. just in case..

* * *

Nicola came home late that night after a particularly stressful day. She was relieved to find everything quiet. The children were all in bed, and James, well, whatever he was doing, he wasn‘t doing it here and halleluja for that.

When Nicola emptied her bag from all the stuff that had accumulated during the week, she found the Cosmo copy Terri had lend her. Nicola usually looked down on women‘s magazines... always revolving round how to give the perfect blowjob or how to dress for success... 'Women‘s magazines: Successfully holding women back since 1949'! Well what if tonight she felt like having a nice cup of tea and skipping through that issue.. wouldn't do any harm...

„Malcolm asexual, this is downright silly... he manages to make any conversation about sex... makes anything sound dirty within two sentences... he does radiate so much male confidence and... well, if you like skinny, maybe he is a little sexy...“.

Which she didn‘t of course. Although she used to... sleeping only with James for about twenty years had made her almost forget that the physique of a Rugby player wasn‘t really her preference. Nicola‘s mind swept back briefly to some happy memories from her university days… before calling herself to order. This wasn‘t about her. This was entirely about winning an argument with Terri. Only Cosmo did tell some really compelling stories of women that either were asexual themselves or who had had asexual partners and Nicola found herself getting involved in the matter.

  
Nicola did some internet research while enjoying some more tea. Of course there were no official numbers available but there were estimates that as much of 1 percent of the population might describe themselves a part of the asexual spectrum. So it wouldn‘t be that unlikely to come across someone who would define as asexual would it... probably not opening up about it in a sex obsessed environment because it brought up so many questions. She found it difficult herself to understand the differences between the concepts of sexual desire, sexual attraction and libido coexisting in different manifestations… or to grasp the fact that asexual people might still masturbate or have sex... and even enjoy sex at that.

It seemed to be a complex and confusing issue and there was certainly no way of labelling Malcolm by doing a test in Cosmo. But seeing she had invested so much time in Terri‘s phantasm – or worse, Terri's fantasies to somehow awaken Malcolm's sexual needs, Nicola giggled – she would do this test now anyway.

OK, so Cosmo did hint strongly to Malcolm being asexual... he might actually be over-compensating with all that talk about cocks and cunts and dildos and bollocks … now that would be almost sweet… on the other hand it could simply be truly despicable male behaviour... pissing in every corner just to claim your territory....there was no way of finding out the truth... tomorrow‘s party wouldn‘t help digging any deeper either…. no chances for drunken confessions, Malcolm was notorious for not drinking... and after her last embarrassment at the party conference she had given up alcohol for good too.

Not that it mattered much… but still... it would seem such a waste …no one to kiss those sensual lips or touch that enticing hair... he was quite good-looking... and those beautiful hands… ... well it would serve him right for being such a nightmare to work with... or maybe that was only because he didn‘t get any? That could cause short circuits in the most peaceful people… she had definitely struggled to balance herself when she and James had stopped sleeping together… the first couple of months she had had some downright disturbing daydreams at work… surely no one could be that sarcastic and impatient all the time simply by choice... or could they?

Nicola glanced at her watch and decided it was time to go to bed.


	3. Field trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't do drugs, I don't recommend doing drugs. Don't do this at home, kids!
> 
> This narrative device was simply created by my impression that too many plots rely on alcohol to losen people up. 
> 
> I didn't want to follow that route since I remember Malcolm as a teetotal (if not alcoholic as PCap believes) and also not liking to lose control.
> 
> I remember one reference to Nicola as "Mojito Murray", but in my head canon her getting drunk is just the rare kind of thing that might happen at a party conference gone wild.

The cocktail reception was held at Julius‘ townhouse. Malcolm had called the event a „fucking needless do for fucking useless wankers“ but it did seem to work. There had been some serious donations made to the party. Julius‘ smile was almost unbearably smug.

When Nicola arrived she was suprised to see everyone on their best behaviour. Malcolm‘s memo had been very explicit about how to behave like fucking normal persons, under penalty of a very slow and painful death. Additionally he had carefully instructed and monitored the hired staff to strictly limit drinks to two per person. There were abso-fucking-lutely no exceptions to be made. Tom called him a party pooper when refused his third drink. Malcolm had been determined to make sure there would be no fall out the next morning.

So why he was standing outside the house swearing at someone on his mobile now? Nicola meant to withdraw but then again it wasn‘t eavesdropping if someone kept shouting right?

  
„I don‘t care if fucking all members of parliament went to a fucking wife-swapping party together with Prince Philip.. Jesus I wouldn‘t blame the old girl herself for trying to upgrade on that twat of a husband... You fucking misogynous shite… last time I heard your editor wasn‘t above attending sex positive parties himself… yeah, keep calling it research, love... go all Deep Throat in the car park... fine, now fuck off“.

„Having to leave?“ Nicola asked when she approached him. „No, managed to piss out that fire. Some poor backbencher seen canoodling with someone not their husband, so what? It‘s not exactly Profumo, right? Those fucking double standards drive me up the wall. Can‘t stand it. Fucking tabloid wankers“.

„Glad you did the right thing there. Now it is such a nice evening Malcolm. Why don't you relax a little?“

„Like I could relax at will with all those nutjobs around“

  
„Maybe you need a little help from a friend… " Nicola stepped a little closer to whisper to his ear "I had to confiscate this from Katie today... I haven‘t smoked weed since university but I guess it still works the same...“

„NICOLA MURRAY MP. Let me pretend you did not just say that. I don‘t have the energy to bollock you like you‘d deserve“.

Nicola poked her tongue out at him. „Always the spoilsport Malcolm… I will just enjoy a nice relaxing stroll around the garden all by myself then“.

Nicola felt excited and downright rebellious hiding behind Julius‘ tool shed in the dim light. She tried to lighten the spliff and wondered if this would actually work for her. She had been fibbing to Malcom. She had actually never smoked weed before. She only had a couple of drags at a party once or twice. Unless some she had actually inhaled but still not felt any different. Well there was a first time for anything and she deserved to have some fun.

She flinched when a low voice behind her said „Pass it over daft woman and I‘ll show yer how it‘s done“. She turned around and gave Malcolm a wicked smile. "Fancy meeting you here.. care to join me after all?“ - „Ye're a daft old bint Nicola. You shouldn‘t smoke it on your own if ye're not used to it is all I‘m saying“.

* * *

„Noticing anything yet Nic‘la?“ Nicola was leaning on Malcolm‘s shoulder, actually enjoying herself a lot. „It‘s nice. So nice... you feeling relaxed? I feel sooo relaxed now.“ She passed him the joint with a very big smile. „Sometimes I really like you Malc. Sometimes you are almost sweet… can I touch your hair?“

Malcolm didn‘t miss a beat, obligingly lowering his head. „Go on woman knock yourself out“. Nicola shyly started to go through his hair and caress the top of his head. „Oh god it‘s soooo soft. I always wondered if it might be all wiry. Never had you down as fluffy“. She giggled and went on to play with the short wisps of hair on the back of his neck. „You are really cute Malc... when you are not shouty and sweary. How come you are not shouty and sweary now?“

„Don‘t need to when INicola ‘m relaxed Nicky. You were right. I needed to wind down a little… oh, keep going, this massage is amazing ...“ Malcolm closed his eyes and seemed to melt into her gentle touch.

„Who'd have thought the Master of Dark Arts enjoys head scritches“ Nicola giggled. Her hands were slowly moving over Malcolm‘s neck. „I suspect that even you have some dark secrets... Mr Goody two shoes... Ooh, remember that song?" Nicola started to sing „‘Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do‘“

„If you don‘t stop croaking I'll make you stop, lass“.- „You can‘t hush me … You clocked out tonight Mr Scary Spindoctor... 'you don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do? Subtle innuendos follow: There must be something inside‘“

Malcolm kissed her. Just to shut her up, right? Having said that, it was fucking amazing. Soft and warm and more sensual than anything he had felt in years, possibly decades. Until he remembered. „Oh fuck Nicola, I am sorry, I never asked for yer consent“.

„Shut up daft man. Just assume consent until I tell you to stop“ said Nicola before she pulled him in for another kiss. Malcolm‘s face looking so young when he genuinely smiled... His mouth so sexy when he kissed her... those hands that were usually on verge of strangling somebody gently caressing her face and neck... „It's very nice.... It‘s a shame you're being asexual and everything“.

„Me being what?“ asked Malcolm confused. „Asexual. As in you don‘t like sex but you can have sex... or was it the other way round, maybe you have sex and don‘t like it or something.. anyway you don‘t feel sexual attraction“ She was a little flustered and finished her arguments with „that's why you haven‘t had any in years Terri said“.

„Of course Tedious Terri is the leading expert on other people‘s sex life“ Malcolm breathed while kissing Nicola‘s neck. „She mentioned ye were not getting any either... so maybe ye're asexual yerself“. Nicola‘s breathing was getting a little irregular. „Well anybody knows that.... James and I are only putting off divorce until after the election“.

Malcolm‘s hands were on Nicola‘s back now and slowly moving south. „She also hinted that ye being such a wreck the past months was down to some wee hormonal challenge to your libido“. Nicola blushed but would not back down. „OK what if I don‘t get any at all and I am sexually starving“ she admitted. „So am I“ Malcolm whispered while kissing the soft skin on her neck and throat.

„But I thought you didn‘t want any“. Malcolm‘s hands kept caressing the small of her back and his breath was becoming a little ragged too. „You actually believe that, darling?“

Nicola‘s hands started to move under Malcolm‘s jacket, caressing his shoulders, his collar bone, touching his firm body through the thin fabric of his shirt. She was enjoying this more than she should. „So do you have a sex life?“ Since she could not get under his shirt for now she decided to nibble on a particularly tempting spot of his neck. „No“ gasped Malcolm. „So Terri is right“ Nicola whispered between gentle kisses to his sensitive skin.

„Don't be daft woman... I just... oh Jesus Nic‘la, yes... I gave up ... let me take off my tie pet if you are not going straight for erotic asphyxiation... I just realised I .... oh yes, open the buttons... I.. I don‘t enjoy sex without some connection… oh aye, that feels so good, keep doing that… it's like fast food.. you do it when yer young and donnae know any better... oh god yes… but once ye've tasted proper food ... I like elaborate meals in nice surroundings… and having good conversations... there aren't many people I like to have around... oh Nic‘la yes please…. I'm just not going back to fast food... it doesn't satisfy when ye're starving... only makes ye feel bad afterwards“

Malcolm gazed into Nicola‘s eyes with half-closed eyelids before he started to suck on her lower lip with some serious determination.

Nicola's eyes fell close as she leaned into his kiss. She moaned, enjoying the sensations created by Malcolm‘s tongue expertly playing with hers and his hands caressing her arse through her dress. He moved on to softly nibble her earlobe before delicately kissing her neck right on a sweet spot. „I understand… oh Malcolm... entirely… ... oh sweet baby Jesus… I really do… so how do you get by with... a diet of… satsumas and coffee... ?“ .

"I am human and I do eat occasionally... Lefty has to take care of me sometimes“. - „Who is Lefty?“

Malcolm removed his left hand from Nicola‘s arse and wiggled it. „You two have met, I believe?“


	4. Gathering more information

„Oh, yes, Lefty ... pleasure to make his acquaintance… he knows how to treat a lady… so skilled and so very eager to please… I understand why you have come to rely on him so heavily…“ Nicola caressed Malcolm‘s hand gently, pulling it up to her mouth and slowly kissing every finger.

Malcolm moaned with pleasure as Nicola started to gently nibble at his index finger pad before very slowly sucking it. „Fuck yeah he‘s damn sure more reliable than any of the twats at this party“ and why the fuck did he even mention them now.

Nicola gave Malcolm a very wicked smile „Never mind them... I like Lefty... like how he is so focused on what he is doing… didn‘t take the mobile out once... very rare these days... I like a gentleman… I wouldn‘t mind to get to know him a little better… wait, make that a lot better...“

„Careful… seems the scoundrel is seriously attracted to you…" Malcolm moved his left hand to Nicola‘s neckline and caressed her bare skin so delicately she inhaled sharply „and I may as well assure you he is not the only one… you know someone else might get jealous and try to interfere...“ Malcolm‘s right hand slowly moved to her breasts and his thumb started to encircle her left nipple. „I‘m sure this guy would love to deepen your acquaintance too… and you know you always say it's impossible to stop my tongue from running wild...“ Malcolm kissed her with a passion that sent shivers down her spine.

When they broke the kiss Nicola was desparate to get Malcolm to lose his shirt. „Dammit Malcolm... Terri‘s theories need some thorough testing... now… don‘t want to do you wrong by believing in silly rumours… it‘s the least I can do for you...“

„Always wanting to do the right thing Nic‘la.. oh yes.... so verrry... fucking… considerrrrrrate... oh yes... oh god please, woman, stop doing that for just a moment…“ Malcolm caught her hands in his and gently stopped them from rambling all over his body. Fuckity fuck this took some serious will power... he smiled and looked into her eyes.. _now, don't get lost there, man up Malc_... „We need to talk about this Nicola…. there‘s a red flag ..“

„James.“

„Oh bugger James. I don‘t care and I‘m glad you don‘t either“ Malcolm kissed her softly. „No, it‘s just… remember how our conversation started? I don‘t want a quick shag behind a tool shed... I haven't felt this hungry in my life... you are so beautiful... and I am so fucking tempted... but I am not doing fast food... I want to devour you... have proper dinner... want to have you come… round my place…“

„Well... luckily that can be arranged… the kids are at my parents' and you know me… why would I refuse a good meal... in fact I am very peckish now“ Nicola smiled lasciviously before starting to nibble on the part of Malcolm‘s chest that was already bare.

Malcolm gasped and closed his eyes.

„Weeping Jesus girl… you know I am starved… I‘d love to take this to a deeper level... much deeper... Oh I fucking long for a good conversation with you... hear you talk dirty... little minx that you are“. Malcolm took a deep breath before managing to take a step back from Nicola by sheer force of will. She instantly missed his body and pouted a little. He gave her a desperate look. „Fuck Nic‘la…Don‘t make this any harder.. pun intended... sorry, I get nervous, I make bad jokes… Please let me be the responsible person right now. I don‘t want you to do anything rash out of a weed based euphoria“

„Malcolm, I am a grown woman with desperate needs. I have set my phasers on dirty.“

„Nic‘la darling... I want you so fucking much… but if you haven‘t smoked weed before… How can I be sure you are actually capable of consent... I have never seen you like this.… can't remember you not overthinking everything. Please take some time to have the THC fade out... try to re-evaluate the situation.... and if you still want this it would make me very happy.. I just don‘t want you to feel uncomfortable with any of this once your silly mind goes back to work“.

Nicola was still not entirely convinced. "You're just ditching me, right?"

„Nic... for fucks sake.. just this once do as you're told... Why don‘t you go back inside, say your goodbyes and get yourself a taxi… I‘ll text you my address and if you‘re still up to some serious fact finding… let‘s say in an hour from now... you‘ll be very welcome... very fucking welcolme...“


	5. How to set up a controlled science experiment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know how difficult it is to get these two agree on anything? Of course you did.  
> Just why did I think having sex would be the exception?

Malcolm had been right. Damn him, the effect of the weed was wearing of and she started to have thoughts. The oh so familiar feelings of guilt, doubts, insecurities. Welcome back to Nicola's Magic Kingdom of Overthinking.

This could easily be the stupidest thing she‘d ever done... hitting on fucking Malcolm Tucker? Well maybe it came a close second to marrying James.

For all she knew the all-swearing, all-manipulating Witcher of Westminster would be using any weakness to spin against her at a moment's notice. Even if he had looked and felt like the sexiest man alive just now... if he thought it necessary for the greater good he'd leak her moment of weakness in a heartbeat _and_ bollock her afterwards just to add insult to injury.

Except he hadn't set this up, had he? Her mind went back to the beginning of the evening. When he had bailed out that backbencher... ranting against double standards… how he‘d followed her to the garden to make sure she wasn‘t smoking weed all by herself... Nicola got lost for a moment remembering his kisses and his soft touch. He had been behaving differently. It had felt so damn right.

She was already fucked. She might as well get laid too.

* * *

When Malcolm opened the door he looked irritated. „Nicola. What the fuck..."

She didn't let him finish his sentence before starting to move backwards. „Oh damn. You didn't actually expect me. No of course you didn‘t... Look, why don‘t I just leave...“

„Stop it Nicola! I was just surprised to see ye is all... surprised in a fucking nice way by the way... that's not my angry face, that's my surprised face! Come on in“.

Some awkward moments passed while Malcolm put away her coat and invited her to the living room. Neither of them seemed to be sure how to resume their earlier conversation.

Malcolm was still dressed in his suit trousers but barefoot and in a vest. Now that was a look that she absolutely needed to save a mental image of... she had never seen him dressed anything than formal before, otherwise she'd probably have lost her countenance earlier.

„Can I get you something to drink?“ asked Malcolm. „A glass of water would be fine“. While he was in the kitchen Nicola tried to focus on regular breathing and not running away. Malcolm returned with two glasses of water and put them on the coffee table. „Sorry about just now Nicola… when you were not here by 10 pm I'd just assumed you changed your mind.“

„I almost did. Truth is I am fucking scared... and no more intoxication to hide behind... just useless old me wasting oxygen“. Her raw honesty and the sincerity in her eyes touched something inside him. He had thought he'd lost that a long time ago.

She took a deep breath before she added „Listen Malcolm the thing is... when the high was coming off... I felt embarrassed and rejected… but then... when I was safely back home I realised that you had given me the choice… not deciding for me, not taking advantage of anything. I don't think I have ever been treated with this much respect by a man before. You know... I try to educate my daughters that they should never settle for anything less than respect, never allow anyone to mistreat them… and I still suck at this so much myself. So this is me... making a choice."

Malcolm gave her a smile that created little wrinkles around his eyes. „Nicola for once your sober mind actually makes sense"

Nicola' stomach fell like an elavator crashing down 20 floors at his smile.

„Malcolm I am still panicking... I'm terrified of this situation… I‘m really scared you might spin this against me… but I still want you. How could this even work?“

Malcolm was thinking for a moment. Suddenly he gave her a impish grin. He took his phone from the coffee table and scrolled through his messages. „Give me a minute will you pet? Now where‘s that picture that wee Jamie sent me recently... almost burnt the phone after receiving this... okay… there you go. That is the most embarrassing picture taken of me _ever_ and please don‘t make me tell you the story behind that. You could destroy my entire life with that“.

Nicola took her phone out, looked incredously at the picture for some seconds before she giggled helplessly. „Oh my god.. this is hilarious.. how did you even... but I totally see how that might be the wet dream of any tabloid journalist... Oh my, is it that late already? Oh, sorry, I just realised I need to dash off" Nicola grinned.

"Oh do you... now don't get cocky, lass" smirked Malcolm and put one arm around her waist.

She giggled before putting her mobile away. „If I hadn‘t just seen you sending it yourself I‘d say someone hacked into your phone."

„Now does that make you feel protected from any future hostile attack Nic'la?“ - „Yes, that seems to sufficiently balance the power between us“.

"Obviously I will have to kill you if this picture ever gets leaked. Now come here darling." Malcolm pulled her into his arms and kissed her tenderly. "You smell so good… now why don't I kiss you there... and there... "

Nicola melted into his mouth before she mastered up her last bit of will power left.

„Malcolm... can we agree on some rules first? Safe sex, nothing too kinky, not a word to anyone?“

„Oh, I like focussed Nicola… very sexy….“ He kissed her softly behind her ear and slowly progressed down her neck. „Agreed. Could we also please make sure neither of us does _anything_ that feels uncomfortable..." *kiss* "this is important Nic'la: there is nothing that is essential..." *kiss* "everything is optional..." *kiss* "this is all about relaxing and indulging…" *kiss* "if there is anything that doesn't feel right promise to tell me..." *kiss* "there are so many ways to make this pleasurable for both of us… I want you to enjoy this...“ *kiss* - „Copy that“ said Nicola and sealed his mouth with hers.

He pulled her to the couch. „Oh Nic‘la… you‘ve no idea how much I wanted you tonight… to touch you... to feel you."

* * *

They are making out like teenagers, slowly and tentatively, gazing into each other's half closed eyes, paying attention to each other‘s reaction to every kiss, every touch… listening to every moan, every little sigh of pleasure ... Nicola responds intensely when Malcolm sucks at her pulse point... Malcolm moans when she lets her hands wander down his back and lightly caresses his bum. His ability to speak in coherent sentences decreases rapidly. Nicola is immensly turned on by noticing the effect she has on him.

They are still fully clothed, rubbing on each other‘s body, kissing every part of each other they can get at, getting more and more aroused. „I admire your self-restraint Malc... must be hard... very hard“ breathes Nicola, nibbling on Malcolm ear while grinding her crotch on Malcolm‘s erection. „Oh yes... so fucking hard.. I was so horny for ye... wanted to take you right there“.

„Does this make it worse? I wouldn't want to impose myself on you.“ Nicola asks while touching Malcolm's cock through his trousers. It is pleasantly thick and firm through the fabric and her arousal spikes. Malcolm groans which she takes as an encouragement to get her hand inside his trousers. She is impossibly turned on how she can control the situation as Malcolm completely gives in to her.

She kisses Malcolm while slowly stroking his penis through his boxers. He is throbbing in her hand and his tip is already wet. „Oh you feel so good Malcolm… so firm and strong... you like this?“ „Oh fuck Nicola yes.. oh fuck I need you…“ Malcolm groans. „Feel how much I want you?“ - „Not sure... I need to get a little closer“. Nicola gets on top of him, straddling him and moving her pelvis on his lap. „ohhh... now I notice... getting all excited, big boy?“

Malcolm breathes heavily „Don't think I don‘t notice what you're up to, dirty lass… getting me all hard and horny while getting wet yourself.. you'll need a cure for the itch soon... “ - „Oh yes Malcolm… I think someone better fix this… everything is getting wet... now where's that trusty handiman of yours?“ - „Lefty‘s here alright Nic‘la and brought some reinforcement“.

Malcolm starts to unbutton Nicola‘s blouse, taking a sharp breath when he discovers the transparent bra showing her hardening nipples. „Oh Nic please let me kiss them“. He starts to suck at her breasts through the thin fabric.

Nicola squirms with delight, her nipples impossibly hard now, her skin sending small electric shocks all over her body. Her pelvis rocks on Malcolms belly.

Malcolm takes a deep breath, moves his hands on her arse under the skirt, kisses her neck and says "Come to bed, Nicl'a".


	6. Slowly increase heat.

In the turn of events Nicola has been first too nervous, then too aroused to notice much about Malcolm's place. When he takes her by the hand to lead her to his bedroom, she is quite surprised to find it roomy and tidy and a lot more cosy than she'd imagined.

"Now I think we might lose some of your clothes" says Malcolm while stripping her blouse of her. "That's better... don't think we'll miss that nice little skirt either.." His hands get under her skirt and knead her bottom. "I need to have better access". He unzips her skirt and gets it off her while kissing her wetly and passionately. "And damn those heels and tights".

"This is getting unbalanced Malcolm.. I must insist in reciprocating" whispers Nicola as she finishes unbuttoning his shirt. She kisses his bare skin, nibbling on his right nipple, teasing it softly with her teeth. Malcolm's eyes close with delight, his head tilting backwards, goosebumps all over his torso. She manages to swiftly get rid of Malcolm's shirt before attacking his left nipple.

The chemistry between their bodies is overwhelming. Not that all is perfect, but it's new and exciting and oh so rewarding. They both delight in exploring how to give each other pleasure.

Malcolm gently pulls Nicola on the bed. The sheets are smooth on her skin, and he worships her body with soft kisses everywhere. She can hardly breathe with pleasure. "Malcom... too many clothes on you...need to feel your skin".

Malcolm withdraws from her reluctantly to quickly get off all his remaining clothes apart from his boxer. "Now how may I get you to losen up Nic?" he whispers as he gets back. "I want you to relax your entire body..." He draws her knickers down while she opens her bra. He tosses both on the floor as he kisses her hungrily. He presses his naked torso to hers while they lie on the bed snogging madly for what seems like an eternity. "Oh Nic.. Nic.. Nic.. I want to taste you now.. is that okay?"

He trails soft kisses along her stomach moaning how soft her skin is. Nicola feels a short pang of awkwardness before letting herself be overwhelmed by pleasure. Malcolm's mouth, his tongue, his impossibly soft and warm lips create sensations on her body that manage to silence any thought in her brain. There is only pleasure, heat, arousal, desire, heavy breathing, her hands caressing his neck and ruffling his hair, stammering his name, the need for more, to get him closer, to have him kiss her, touch her...

Malcolm strokes her thighs with amazingly skilled fingers, kissing her lower abdomen, listening to the small sighs of pleasure Nicola gives with her eyes closed. He tenderly spreads her legs a little more before he kisses his way down between her thighs. Nicola moans as he kisses her aching centre, his tongue dancing through her folds before he starts to suck on her clit. His tongue enters her slowly, spreading her wetness, moving carefully in reaction to every moan, every move of Nicola.

Nicola is completely lost now, oblivious to anything but this... how her arousal builds up and up... waves of pleasure going through her body...she caresses Malcolms hair, whispering how good this feels, how much she needs him right now, to keep going, to please don't stop... as if anything could Malcolm stop right now... he is intoxicated by Nicola's scent, he needs to taste her, he is painfully turned on by how his kisses and touches make her squirm and wiggle under him.

"Nic'la... relax.. let yourself go... you are so beautiful... come for me pet... I need you to come for me..."

Nicola feels mercury rushing through her entire body... cool and hot at the same time... the pleasure becomes almost unbearable... she needs to be relieved.. nothing else matters now.. she needs to come... so much...

"Malcolm.. please.. keep going.. don't stop now.. please.. I need you to.. please..."

"I'm here darling... I won't stop." Malcolm moves his head from her thighs to watch her building up to climax. Her hands are clawing the sheets as he massages her clit with his thumb, varying in speed and pressure responding to Nicola's every reaction.

"Malcolm... oh god... yes... oh yesss... .please... yes..." she twitches as he enters two fingers to massage her inner walls.

Her body shakes violently as she crashes to orgasm and squirts and laughs and cries all at once.

He kisses her and when he touches her skin it feels like electricity sparks.


	7. Analysing results

Nicola enjoys endless minutes in post orgasmic bliss... floating on a warm cloud... not thinking about anything.

When she slowly returns to the world and opens her eyes she finds herself in Malcolm‘s arms. He is looking quite relaxed, stroking her hair, and smiling at her. „Hey”- “Hey.” - “How are you?“ - „This is so much better than weed Malcolm“. - „I am glad you won’t start a career on drugs then”. He tenderly kisses her temple.

„On the contrary I believe we should actually work on some new policy on healthy living… you know, like sex is quite beneficial to your health...”  
“Naughty Nicky.. I like the idea”.

„You haven‘t seen half of it“ she says rolling on top of him. „A good first step would be getting rid of this useless piece of undergarment now Mr. Tucker“. „Actually Mrs. Murray this is a measure for your own safety“.

He kisses her longingly and admits with a crooked smile „Nic‘la, I hate to say this but I don‘t have a single fucking condom that hasn‘t expired long before you even entered government. I went through the whole fucking flat. So if you didn‘t bring any… this is all I can do to prevent myself from pouncing on you“.

„Fuck no, I didn‘t… why didn‘t I raid through Katie‘s stuff to find some“ Nicola mumbles frustrated. „Fuck, I want to feel you inside me“

„Believe me pet there‘s nowhere in the world that I would rather be. But for now we need to work under restrictions. What we used to call heavy petting might be in order“.

Nicola moans a little unsatisfied before kissing his collarbone. „Well luckily there are certain options of making you enjoy further procedures without penetration... do you want me to elaborate on them?“

„You know I am an eager listener Mrs. Murray… please enlighten me“.

Nicola starts to suck on Malcolms nipple while pushing his wrists down on the bed. „Now Mr. Tucker will you behave while I demonstrate my concept?“ - „Your arguments have never been more convincing Minister“ Malcolm groans with his eyes shut. „Oh fuck yes I will do exactly what I‘m told“.

Nicola lets go of Malcolm‘s wrists and kisses down his chest, tentatively licking the skin on his belly, tenderly twinging his thin line of hair with her teeth. Malcolm's eyes are closed, his breathing is heavy, his hands remaining where Nicola has left them. He indulges in every touch, every kiss, every unexpected sensation Nicola creates in his body.

She slowly gets her warm hand under the elastic band of his boxers. His cock twitches enthusiastically in his response.

„Now you got to help me here Mr. Tucker… would you kindly lift your firm little ass for a moment so we can get this obstacle out of the way.. yes, exactly like this, well done… now you will be on the receiving end of a good tuckering for once... you'll just have to endure this… don‘t do anything,.. there is nothing you can do about it just now...“

God she has never seen his features so relaxed….free from any sign of stress or anger… he is impossibly beautiful, a peaceful smile on his face. She kisses the soft skin just inches above his cock and he purrs with delight. He seems in no hurry to get to orgasm, focusing entirely on the journey. He is so trusting as he lies there, eyes closed, giving in completely to her kisses and her touch.

She swallows to get rid of the sudden lump in her throat before returning to his mouth. She completely loses herself in this kiss, putting everything in it that she feels and cannot process. Her hands go through his hair, twinging the short curls, caressing the sides of his face, hiding her face in the curve of his neck and shoulder, slowly breathing while feeling her eyes suddenly sting.

He pulls her close to his body, gently stroking her back and whispering „You okay Nic‘la?“

"Sorry Malc" she whispers into his neck. "I know how you hate it when I get emotional... it's just.." she sobs silently.

"It's fine Nic. This ain't work. Ye can get as emotional as ye like. I can handle it... give us yer worst". He strokes her head, keeping her safe in his arms while she cries. "I've got you.. it's okay."

Nicola hasn't been held while crying for such a long time. It losens the painful knot inside her a little.

Her breathing slowly steadies. Malcolm keeps stroking her hair, her arms, her shoulders while keeping her so close that it's impossible to tell where her body ends and his begins. She hasn't felt so close to anybody for years. It's beautiful and scary.

"Better?" he asks quietly. "Yeah, thanks" Nicola mumbles.

"You're staying the night, right? Why don't you go find the bathroom, Nic'la. I'll get you a toothbrush and a towel".

* * *

The familiar thoughts and insecurities strike again as she leaves the bathroom. Malcolm glances at her and gently shoves her to the bedroom. "I'll be with you in a minute. There's a T-shirt there if you're cold."

The bedroom is dark apart from a reading light, the duvet has been smoothened again and the bed looks alarmingly inviting. She should probably run from this right now as long as she still can... she still ponders this when Malcolm is back, quietly saying "it's been a long day Nicola.. let's go to sleep".

After Malcolm has switched off the light Nicola starts to feel tense again. Then Malcolm puts his arm around her, pulls her head to his chest and softly says "Tell me Nic'la".

"I'm sorry I didn't make you come Malcolm".

"Don't be daft. I'm not some spotty wanker that considers time wasted if he didn't get off."

"I wanted you so much. I meant to give you the blowjob of your life".

"Aye, I noticed you were quite determined. I was very impressed". She can hear him chuckle in the darkness.

"It's just.. it was so intense.. it overwhelmed me."

He kisses her lightly on her mouth. "It's really fine Nic. I told you I'm not in this for some quick fix. Now go to sleep."


	8. Peer review

It’s still fairly early when Nicola wakes up. Force of habit. She hasn’t been able to lie in since Katie’s birth. The bed is empty beside her and the memory of last night hits her in the face with brutal force. Her mind starts worrying instantly because that’s what she does.

The door opens very quietly. “Ah you're up. Morning Nicola”.

She is a little self-conscious. Ah well, being Nicola, she is very self-conscious. “You’re already dressed?” - “It’s one of those funny social conventions best observed if you need to leave the house. I was getting breakfast… among other things” he waggles his eyebrows suggestively. “Why don’t you come to the kitchen when you’re ready… no need to dress, the rules don’t apply indoors”. He grins wolfishly.

She does dress though. She can’t just sit in someone else’s kitchen nakedly. Not meeting Malcolm Tucker wearing only one of his T-shirts either. She compromises in not putting on her tights and shoes.

There is the enticing smell of freshly ground and brewed coffee. Malcolm has bought croissants and fruit salad and already set the table. Nicola is surprised he remembers her breakfast favourites but then he is the all-seeing eye of Westminster, isn’t he. She’s feeling very awkward. Malcolm waves her over “Don’t just stand there, sit down”. He is in alarmingly good mood, even humming a little, which could easily be the scariest thing she ever witnessed him doing.

He puts the coffee mugs on the table, kisses her hair and sits down across the table. The breakfast passes almost entirely in silence because none of them can tolerate smalltalk just now.

Malcolm puts the dishes in the sink before sitting opposite her again. “Now, are we ready for the talk of shame?” Nicola blushes. “Please Malcolm.. Could we just not? I am embarrassed as it is”.

“Remaining silent is so not what we’re gonna do. We are going to talk about it like fucking normal people. Or did you have second thoughts? Decided this was a mistake never to happen again?” He suddenly looks tired and frail and maybe even a little hurt. A wave of sympathy and affection floods her and she gently touches his hand. “No Malcolm. It’s not.. not that at all. You just don’t wanna hear this, trust me. It’s all feely feelings and anxiousness and me talking rubbish and you are going to roll your eyes and judge me.”

Malcolm sighs. “Nic’la you’re not the only one with feelings. Contrary to common belief I’m familiar with feelings myself and I don’t mean only fear and anger.. It’s just I don’t share them at the workplace.” He picks up her hand, gently running his fingers over it and finally looking into her eyes. “This is not just about sex, Nicola.... it's about being close to you... I am fucking starved for touch... for feeling like an actual human being that someone might care about." He smiles helplessly.

“It's just... I’m scared and confused Malcolm. This is so… intense? Two days ago you called me the worst insults I’ve heard in my entire life and ridiculed me in front of everybody and all of a sudden you do the sexiest things and you’re all human and kind and trusting and I want to kiss you and keep you safe and make you happy. It’s.. it’s such a mindfuck.”

“Nicola, I'm scared too. I know how I treated you... but that’s how I do my fucking job. I cannot be an ally at work. I’ll be a bastard 90 percent of the time. You fuck up, I’ll bollock you. But that’s the job, it's not personal, you know that? I genuinely like you and I'll always respect your boundaries if we are being together. Can’t promise I won’t be shouty and sweary at work sometimes. Might take some time to get over that. Mind you, we could have a safe word for when things get too heated. How about anger management?” His loopy smile is back and it does strange things to her body.

“It’s not just your incredibly beautiful and sexy body I’m after, Nic’la. It’s the whole deal, your feelings, your empathy and sincerity. I will deny on my mother’s life I have ever said that but somehow we connect on values and sexual chemistry and needs… and that is so fucking much... that’s what I want from you”.

Nicola knows when she is defeated and gracefully surrenders. She walks around the table next to Malcolm’s chair and cups his face. He looks up to her inquiringly. She lets her thumbs run tenderly over his cheekbones, his eyebrows, his mouth, hesitating for a moment as shyness threatens to overwhelm her. But then she kisses him, softly caressing his lips, slowly teasing his mouth with her tongue and then their tongues meet and dance around each other and all shyness is lost.

Malcolm gives a muffled moan before he puts his arms around her and pulls her on his lap. Nicola works one hand into his hair at the back of his neck and judging by the delighted sound this is a sweet spot.

“Jesus woman, why did you have to get dressed? Now I need to get all those clothes off you again before we can make good use of the ridiculously overpriced condoms I bought at the 7/11.”

* * *

“Jesus Christ woman, what you did with your wicked finger just now… I thought my balls were combusting.” “I had no idea you would enjoy that so much or I would have given you a fair warning” says Nicola with a slightly smug smile, holding Malcolm in her arms and playing with the sweaty wisps on his head.

„Well I think we have disproved Terri‘s theory don‘t you? You are most certainly not asexual.“

„I‘m not so sure about that.“ Malcolm smiles. „You know, in science you have to repeat your experiments over and over again to make sure your results are valid“. He puts his head on her chest and dozes off.


End file.
